he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
