I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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