I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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