you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
