tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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