her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
