yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
