the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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