Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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