My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
A bitchslap is in order.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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