I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
