just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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