Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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