I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
