i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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