The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
