I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
