i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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