fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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