I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
