You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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