If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
