That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
