youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize