I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
