This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
