I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
