when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The air taste purple.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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