Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
