how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
