soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
