Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
