guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
