If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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