The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
