You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
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