The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
