Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
