I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
