I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
