He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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