I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize