Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
