everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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