My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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