I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
