Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
