I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
