I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
