I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
