I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize