sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
