Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize