Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
