happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize