the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
