he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
