You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
