Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
